Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Them Bitches Don't Know Shit About My Many Transcriptions

Whelp, even though its been practically a year since I uploaded the
blasted thing, people still frequently enough request that I make a
complete transcript of my masterfully crafted and critically lauded
phallic Broadway melodrama "Them Bitches Don't Know Shit About
My Forty Inch Dick".

So here you buggers go! And so help me God, each and every one of
you fookin' fahgewts are chipping in for my many surgical treatments
needed for my resulting arthritic ailments from writing this entire
flim-flamming thing out.


So Anyways...



*introductory music and audience applause*

Shod - Good evening, ladies and Germans. Tonight, I, the master of
ceremonies, Sir Shod Corduroy, am proud to present to you the Tony
award winning Broadway tragic musical, "Them Bitches Don't Know
Shit About My Forty Inch Dick". Written, produced and directed by
Graham P. Honeydribbles.

*loud explosion and dramatic music*

Graham - Yesh, yesh, yesh, ladies and gentlemen-- Attach the
safety harnesses built into your seats and prepare to gaze in
amazement as after eighty nine years and three hundred and fifty
trillion dollars deducted from the national treasury; my pièce de
résistance, my crowning achievement of all theatrical projects is
finally ready to be unleashed before your very eyes this night!

*booming explosion followed by crowd gasping*


*thunder strikes along with the sound of rain pouring and sad

Graham - Alas, woe is me. For hysterically undersized is my cock.
It is not even perceivable to an insects eyes when solid as a rock.
For how much longer must I endure such unrelenting humility?
Along with the fact that the non-existent size renders me without

*loud glass crash and man screaming*

The Dingleberry Fairy - Well, ye olde ah-hoo's! You'll have to
pardon the glass-shattering intrusion, but I couldn't help but
overhear your many frets in lieu of your underwhelming penile
protrusion. The Dingleberry Fairy's my name, and artificially
enlarging one's trouser trombone; well, I must proclaim, that is
indeed my game!

Graham - Surely you're nothing more than yet another jester, or
perhaps a molester of one's crotch covering polyester.

The Dingleberry Fairy - You are wrong on both accounts, my
dicky old chum-- For truly when your operation is done, and I
have worked my many tricks on your prick, them bitches won't
know shit about your forty inch dick!

Graham - Sweet Mother Goose's curds and wheys! If truly that
is what you can do, then I do not know how I could ever possibly

The Dingleberry Fairy - Worry not about the monetary
compensation, and instead focus all attention to your phallic
elongation. For as we speak my magic is at work, and in less than
twelve hours you will be free to sherk your newly enlarged gherk!

*sounds of a buzz-saw cutting through human flesh and
blood-curdling screams*


Shod - The next morning...

*rooster crowing*
*cheery music and birds chirping*

Graham - Oh me, oh my, what a beautiful morning it is! For the
first time in a while I didn't have to count any sheep, for I truly had
a wonderful night's sleep. Perhaps it was the dangerous cocktail of
illicit tranquilizers coursing throughout my veins, or the
penile-protracting procedure rooted deeply in the arcane. Either
way, I can't feel anything below my waist, so it is impossible to tell
what the Dingleberry Fairy on my loins might have graced. To
unveil the results I will have to pull back my sheets, anxious to
glance upon my newly bestowed trouser meats. My trembling
hands slowly creep underneath my downy goose cover, occasionally
tickling my torso like that of a mischievous lover. Until eventually
my digits take hold of something thick as a brick. No, it couldn't
be-- Is that actually my dick? I bite down on my lip as I grasp the
sides of my quilt and toss them off to my hilt.

*sounds of sheets being pulled off and the cheery music swelling*
*old car horn sound effect*

Graham - Oh, it's everything that I've always dreamed of! From
tip to toe and hip to hip, across my sternum and overs my nips--
My worries are spirited away by my new found wangs wealth.
Forty inches long-- That is, in breadth!

*grotesque masturbatory squishing sound effects*

Graham - Oh, yesh, yesh, yesh, oooooooooooh-- Yesh, yesh,
ooooooooooh-- Yesh, oooooooooooooooh--

*loud gooey sounding explosion*

Graham - And it even works right proper too-- How very Jim
Dandy on the old loo! And even though it appears that fairy has cut
out and purloined all of my vital organs, I'm quite content with my
dangly parts no longer feeling like orphans. And with that said, I do
believe I shall set off to town, so as to come one hundred and ten
buckets and hopefully cause all passers by to instantaneously


*light audience applause and ambience*

Shod - We will now be experiencing a short intermezzo in which
hot liquorice schnapps and cartons of candied corns will be served
up and down the aisles. We thank you for your patience as we spray
down the stage with five hundred gallons of hydrochloric acid and
scrub the chewing tobacco from the acting ensembles hair.

*tinny-sounding music begins playing and the sound of the stage
being washed down
along with other assorted gloopy sounding
noises can be heard*

*microphone feedback*

Shod - And now, back to our scheduled performance.


Shod - Whoops, lolol! Got to go easy on the sweet and sour liquors!
...What? Now don't you give me those looks! I get stage fright real
easily, alright? It's just to help settle my nerves. Now then, as I
was saying-- Back to our feature presentation!

*fanfare plays and the audience applauds*


Graham - Strutting down the avenue with nary a worry in my
fluttering heart, I arrive upon the town square; the sheer jolility of
it all causing me to expel a small but horrendously malodorous fart.


Graham - The puckered-faced people clear a path in my
oh-so stenchful way, as I begin working at my belt-buckle to
unleash my carnal-cudgel for some perverted play! However, right
as I'm just about to extract my prodigious protuberance from down
under, I am accosted by an antagonistic associate from many a year

Ryan - Fee, fi, foe, fum-- I sense somewhere in the vicinity the
microscopic penis of an Englishman!

Graham - Finally my defining moment in life had arrived-- A
strapping chance to cock-slap a tortuous tormentor onto his

Ryan - So tell me my dearest life-long chum, does it take a
magnifying glass and a couple of toothpicks to make you come?

Graham - Using a mystical technique taught to me by an
African shaman many a year back, I am able to channel all of my
undiluted rage straight into my big marvelous mack!

Ryan - You know your pecker's small when it is trumped in size
by its neighboring lice. Though on the upside, I do suppose you'd
have no problem whatsoever sexually pleasuring female pygmy

*sound of cloth ripping followed by a whoosh and a man being
decapitated by a forty
inch dick*

*sound of various people screaming in terror and panicking*

Graham - Yes, fine denizens, gather round-- To see first hand a
man phallically separated from his own crown!

Swedish Business Man - Oosh! I have been watching from
quite a distance and I gotta say I like your style! I'm a faggoty
Swedish business man-- How about coming to work for me for a
while? With your big dick and lust for blood, we'll corner the toilet
paper market and leave the competition behind in the mud!

Graham - Oh, happy day! Finally an opportunity to escape the
mind-numbing drudgery of living inside a Jägermeister keg, and
make the big bucks at a massive corporation all thanks to my
impressive third leg! But I think we better high-tail it out of here
before we meet up with the cops-- That is, unless of course you
want me to dish out some more head severing vengeance with my
magnificent cock!


*sound of a door opening*

Heather - Well, here we are-- "Squirts and Splurts R Us"! In our
toiletry tissues, your pooper can most certainly trust! Mister
Sveydish Fishheads wanted me to personally show you around
the place, and afterwards, if you'd like, I could take you back to
my place! Tee-hee-hee-- Girlish giggles!

Graham - Bitch I don't need no skanky ass ho grinding on my
jumbo-sized johnson! I'm grilled like the internal workings of an
automobile, motherfucker! Decked out with bling-kah-ching I
found accumulated in the waste bag of my dirt devil vacuum

*slap followed by a series of loud female shrieks*

Swedish Business Man - Oosh! Now why don't you stop
making those horrible fucking noises ya skanky old blubbery bitch,
and go get me and my new subordinate some coffee before I drop
your dead body off in a ditch!

*squishy-sounding punch followed by a female scream*

Swedish Business Man - Now then-- With that obnoxious slag
out of the way, what say you and I go to our first company meeting
together to start off this wonderful day?


*various ambient audience sounds*
*loud extended burp*

Shod - Aych-em-em, what do you mean I've got to switch the film
reels? ...Oh that's such horseshit! Nobody ever said anything about
that in rehearsal! You sir, you're just trying to make me look like a
total f*PFRRPP* in front of all these people! So, fuck you-you-you

*sound of film projector starting up*


*sound of a door closing*

Graham - Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the board. As
your cherished commander in chief promised you all yesterday,
standing here before you is the man with a schlong that puts to
shame many a culinary gourd!

Senior Executive - As the senior executive of this lucrative
company I'm afraid I must protest, as I fail to see how
inaugurating a man with a four foot long dong will leave us in
anything but a semen-soaked fiscal mess.

Graham - Your many concerns are duly noted my dearest head
of financial directors, but I'm afraid we simply have no room to
accommodate worrywarts such as yourself on our newly formed
board of erectors!

*explosive gooey sounding blast followed by a woman
screaming in horror*

Peter - By Joe, this lumbering loined lunatic is just the sort of
go-getter we need! A ridiculously phallically endowed psychopath
to help spread our many soulless corporate seeds!

Graham - Then it is unanimously agreed upon, fellow top brass
and workmen alike! For by this time tomorrow, my super-soaking
schlong will have drenched the competition to the point of no longer
being able to visually perceive light!


Shod - Six and a half months later...

Graham - Plentiful poontang to the left of me, seven digit
paychecks to the right, a towering pillar of unmitigated masculinity
pounding in the middle-- If I do say so myself, I do believe this is
what one from the ghettos would refer to as the undeniable shite!

*sound of knocking on door followed by said door being opened*

Peter - Sorry to intrude at such an untimely hour, but I'm afraid
I have some rather perturbing news which I can no longer stand
to sour.

Graham - Well then, spit it out why don't you-- You glorified
underarm pit taint! Lest off course you'd rather fancy a face-full
of all natural ballsack brewed projectile penile paint!

Peter - Alas, the secret which I am about to reveal to you is
indeed a deplorable one, but the time has come, and my dicky old
chum, I'm afraid you must finally learn the truth about your
godlike gifted sperm-spraying gun.

Graham - Aych-em-em...Now why does that voice sound so
sod-poppingly familiar?

*diabolical music begins to play*

Peter - I imagine it should-- You cock-crazed crackerjack! For it
was I who bestowed you with your cartoonishly oversized trouser
tearing pecker-pack! The Dingleberry Fairy was nothing more
than a ruse-- A diabolical disguise forged for nothing more than to
enthuse and amuse! And were it not for your monumental
meat-molded monstrosity, you would have garnered none of these
spoiled riches. Not your job, your shit-scared employees, or
especially the droves of your subservient bitches!

Graham - What utter hogwash, I do proclaim! The workers at
my company are all here at their own volition-- That is, unless of
course they want to be dragged kicking and screaming into a back
alley and phallically forced into a doggy-style position!

Peter - Oh, my poor deluded dicksciple-- You still don't get it, do
you? You didn't honestly think your wonking willy came with
absolutely no price? For my dearest Graying Hams, I'm afraid
I've come here today to claim your splooge-splurting soul as my
eternally tormentable prize!

*diabolical demonic sounding laughter*

Graham - Oh God, no! It can't be true! It just can't be!


*sounds of slapping and frenzied male screams*

Lucy - Darling, darling-- Wake the fuck up-- You're having yet
another terrifyingly vivid nightmare about forty inch dicks and
constantly having to repetitively rhyme for reasons unknown!

Graham - Oh sweet merciful mother of fart-flinging fuck-nuts!
It was all just a bad dream from ingesting eighty nine square kilos
of orangutan feces and pickled honey badger scrotum's before
going to bed last night! Thank heavens I'm back safe and sound in
my menial go-nowhere life with a tick tack penis and a horribly
dysfunctional and emotionally scarring relationship with a
manic-depressive schizoholic she-bitch whom constantly finds it
necessary to remind me of all my shortcomings in life and drives
me to guzzle windshield wiper fluid every night whilst smashing
old family photo albums over my balding head and unleashing a
typhoon of incoherent onomatopoeia's which sound more like
something a crazed water buffalo in heat would scream while
being mounted by a confused and geriatric hyena who suffers
from severe glaucoma and quickly learns just how unfair mother
nature truly is when said buffalo spins around and crushes him
underneath her distended vagina!

*audience laughs, applauds and cheers*


Shod - On behalf of the management and the performers in this
evening's play, I would like to thank all of you for attending
tonight's show here at the Gerald P. Philmore Institute for the
Mentally Unstable and Psychologically Buggered Up! I've also
been asked to remind you to please donate whatever you can
when exiting the auditorium and accosted by a machete wielding
lunatic in ragged clothing. It all goes towards a good cause, ladies
and gents...To help finance my sixteenth consecutive triple-brain
bypass surgery in the coming months. And on the topic of mental
illness, what better way to end tonight's aforementioned
presentation than the everyday comedic stylings of one Francisco
De La Ham Sandwich and his unfortunate accompanying family
and friends!


*audience applauds*

Francisco - Alright, cool cats-- Open up your fuckin' eardrums,
cause here comes another rip roaring ripper! Doo-whop-
skeedaddle-doo-whop! She had the body of a venus-- Bah-ding-
dong! Boy was I ever surprised when I found a fuckin' penis! And if
you enjoyed that little number, you're sure to tear your colostomy
bags to this next cheeky bit! It's a little tummy-tickling imitation I
like to do of my youngest, ballsack-less son! And it goes a bit like
this-- "Oh man-- Mommy and daddy cut my allowance in half,
dudes! Now I can't buy the latest Pokemon cards for us to rub our
hot, sticky dicks against! Crud!".

Cornelius - I may not have any hair on my balls yet, but at
least I'm not a total fucking f*FFBRRT* like you, who does all his
shopping at Beds and Linens and has a lifetime subscription to
Oprah's tablecloth of the month club!

David - Oh, now you leave your poor father out of this, Cornelius!
Really now, I didn't raise a darling little snipper like you to use
such horrible and hurtful words!

Francisco - Holy hot-dogging dick-nipples! Talk about a tough
bunch! I've seen more livelihood out of the mounted corpse of my
fifth separated wife!

Charlie Chapped Lips - I can't believe we RSVP'ed this over
the Freemason's Brickwall Brisket Banquet!

Vlad - Hey, Francisco, don't look now-- But there's a gaping
horses asshole sitting across the saloon! Oh wait-- I'm sorry--
That's your seventh-millionth ex-wife! *incoherent Slavic laughter*

Shod - Good night folks, and have a safe trip home.