Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Here, Have Some Shit

Because I need to keep this antiquated blog on life support by making at least one post per year.


(Edit: And now immediately after posting this I realize that 2012 had no posts whatsoever to speak of. *blood curdling, tongue flailing shriek followed by the sound of an ECG flat-lining*)

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Sound Packs and Soundtracks A'Plenty, Revisited...Again...

Alright, so long story short more than half of the sound packs and soundtracks I had hosted on MediaFire got flagged somehow by their copyright system, so as such I re-uploaded them all to a different host (Mega.co.nz).  Also, in response to some complaints I received when I originally uploaded these files, I have repacked all of the sound packs and soundtracks into .zip files as opposed to .rar files, and I have also combined all of the separate packs for certain SFX / music into one single pack since Mega does not impose 200mb file size limits per upload (ie. the entire APM Music Collection is available in a single archive now as opposed to twelve separate ones).

End transmission. *click*

[SOUND PACKS]

Explosions (#1-2)
Grotesque Sounds (#1-3)
Gunfire (#1-2)
Hanna Barbera Sound Effects Library
Impacts and Debris (#1)
People, Crowds and Body Sounds (#1)
Whooshes (#1)

[SOUNDTRACKS]

APM Music Collection (#1-12)
APM Mini Music Pack (#1)


*also kudos to the anonymous individual who alerted me about several of the packs being taken down*

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Them Bitches Don't Know Shit About My Many Transcriptions


Whelp, even though its been practically a year since I uploaded the
blasted thing, people still frequently enough request that I make a
complete transcript of my masterfully crafted and critically lauded
phallic Broadway melodrama "Them Bitches Don't Know Shit About
My Forty Inch Dick".

So here you buggers go! And so help me God, each and every one of
you fookin' fahgewts are chipping in for my many surgical treatments
needed for my resulting arthritic ailments from writing this entire
flim-flamming thing out.

Ahem.

So Anyways...

_______________________________________________________

[INTRODUCTION]

*introductory music and audience applause*

Shod - Good evening, ladies and Germans. Tonight, I, the master of
ceremonies, Sir Shod Corduroy, am proud to present to you the Tony
award winning Broadway tragic musical, "Them Bitches Don't Know
Shit About My Forty Inch Dick". Written, produced and directed by
Graham P. Honeydribbles.

*loud explosion and dramatic music*

Graham - Yesh, yesh, yesh, ladies and gentlemen-- Attach the
safety harnesses built into your seats and prepare to gaze in
amazement as after eighty nine years and three hundred and fifty
trillion dollars deducted from the national treasury; my pièce de
résistance, my crowning achievement of all theatrical projects is
finally ready to be unleashed before your very eyes this night!

*booming explosion followed by crowd gasping*


[ACT ONE]

*thunder strikes along with the sound of rain pouring and sad
music*


Graham - Alas, woe is me. For hysterically undersized is my cock.
It is not even perceivable to an insects eyes when solid as a rock.
For how much longer must I endure such unrelenting humility?
Along with the fact that the non-existent size renders me without
fertility...

*loud glass crash and man screaming*

The Dingleberry Fairy - Well, ye olde ah-hoo's! You'll have to
pardon the glass-shattering intrusion, but I couldn't help but
overhear your many frets in lieu of your underwhelming penile
protrusion. The Dingleberry Fairy's my name, and artificially
enlarging one's trouser trombone; well, I must proclaim, that is
indeed my game!

Graham - Surely you're nothing more than yet another jester, or
perhaps a molester of one's crotch covering polyester.

The Dingleberry Fairy - You are wrong on both accounts, my
dicky old chum-- For truly when your operation is done, and I
have worked my many tricks on your prick, them bitches won't
know shit about your forty inch dick!

Graham - Sweet Mother Goose's curds and wheys! If truly that
is what you can do, then I do not know how I could ever possibly
repay.

The Dingleberry Fairy - Worry not about the monetary
compensation, and instead focus all attention to your phallic
elongation. For as we speak my magic is at work, and in less than
twelve hours you will be free to sherk your newly enlarged gherk!

*sounds of a buzz-saw cutting through human flesh and
blood-curdling screams*



[ACT TWO]

Shod - The next morning...

*rooster crowing*
*cheery music and birds chirping*

Graham - Oh me, oh my, what a beautiful morning it is! For the
first time in a while I didn't have to count any sheep, for I truly had
a wonderful night's sleep. Perhaps it was the dangerous cocktail of
illicit tranquilizers coursing throughout my veins, or the
penile-protracting procedure rooted deeply in the arcane. Either
way, I can't feel anything below my waist, so it is impossible to tell
what the Dingleberry Fairy on my loins might have graced. To
unveil the results I will have to pull back my sheets, anxious to
glance upon my newly bestowed trouser meats. My trembling
hands slowly creep underneath my downy goose cover, occasionally
tickling my torso like that of a mischievous lover. Until eventually
my digits take hold of something thick as a brick. No, it couldn't
be-- Is that actually my dick? I bite down on my lip as I grasp the
sides of my quilt and toss them off to my hilt.

*sounds of sheets being pulled off and the cheery music swelling*
*old car horn sound effect*

Graham - Oh, it's everything that I've always dreamed of! From
tip to toe and hip to hip, across my sternum and overs my nips--
My worries are spirited away by my new found wangs wealth.
Forty inches long-- That is, in breadth!

*grotesque masturbatory squishing sound effects*

Graham - Oh, yesh, yesh, yesh, oooooooooooh-- Yesh, yesh,
ooooooooooh-- Yesh, oooooooooooooooh--

*loud gooey sounding explosion*

Graham - And it even works right proper too-- How very Jim
Dandy on the old loo! And even though it appears that fairy has cut
out and purloined all of my vital organs, I'm quite content with my
dangly parts no longer feeling like orphans. And with that said, I do
believe I shall set off to town, so as to come one hundred and ten
buckets and hopefully cause all passers by to instantaneously
drown!


[INTERMISSION #1]

*light audience applause and ambience*

Shod - We will now be experiencing a short intermezzo in which
hot liquorice schnapps and cartons of candied corns will be served
up and down the aisles. We thank you for your patience as we spray
down the stage with five hundred gallons of hydrochloric acid and
scrub the chewing tobacco from the acting ensembles hair.

*tinny-sounding music begins playing and the sound of the stage
being washed down
along with other assorted gloopy sounding
noises can be heard*


*microphone feedback*

Shod - And now, back to our scheduled performance.

*belch*

Shod - Whoops, lolol! Got to go easy on the sweet and sour liquors!
...What? Now don't you give me those looks! I get stage fright real
easily, alright? It's just to help settle my nerves. Now then, as I
was saying-- Back to our feature presentation!

*fanfare plays and the audience applauds*


[ACT THREE]

Graham - Strutting down the avenue with nary a worry in my
fluttering heart, I arrive upon the town square; the sheer jolility of
it all causing me to expel a small but horrendously malodorous fart.

*fart*

Graham - The puckered-faced people clear a path in my
oh-so stenchful way, as I begin working at my belt-buckle to
unleash my carnal-cudgel for some perverted play! However, right
as I'm just about to extract my prodigious protuberance from down
under, I am accosted by an antagonistic associate from many a year
yonder.

Ryan - Fee, fi, foe, fum-- I sense somewhere in the vicinity the
microscopic penis of an Englishman!

Graham - Finally my defining moment in life had arrived-- A
strapping chance to cock-slap a tortuous tormentor onto his
backside!

Ryan - So tell me my dearest life-long chum, does it take a
magnifying glass and a couple of toothpicks to make you come?

Graham - Using a mystical technique taught to me by an
African shaman many a year back, I am able to channel all of my
undiluted rage straight into my big marvelous mack!

Ryan - You know your pecker's small when it is trumped in size
by its neighboring lice. Though on the upside, I do suppose you'd
have no problem whatsoever sexually pleasuring female pygmy
mice!

*sound of cloth ripping followed by a whoosh and a man being
decapitated by a forty
inch dick*

*sound of various people screaming in terror and panicking*

Graham - Yes, fine denizens, gather round-- To see first hand a
man phallically separated from his own crown!

Swedish Business Man - Oosh! I have been watching from
quite a distance and I gotta say I like your style! I'm a faggoty
Swedish business man-- How about coming to work for me for a
while? With your big dick and lust for blood, we'll corner the toilet
paper market and leave the competition behind in the mud!

Graham - Oh, happy day! Finally an opportunity to escape the
mind-numbing drudgery of living inside a Jägermeister keg, and
make the big bucks at a massive corporation all thanks to my
impressive third leg! But I think we better high-tail it out of here
before we meet up with the cops-- That is, unless of course you
want me to dish out some more head severing vengeance with my
magnificent cock!


[ACT FOUR]

*sound of a door opening*

Heather - Well, here we are-- "Squirts and Splurts R Us"! In our
toiletry tissues, your pooper can most certainly trust! Mister
Sveydish Fishheads wanted me to personally show you around
the place, and afterwards, if you'd like, I could take you back to
my place! Tee-hee-hee-- Girlish giggles!

Graham - Bitch I don't need no skanky ass ho grinding on my
jumbo-sized johnson! I'm grilled like the internal workings of an
automobile, motherfucker! Decked out with bling-kah-ching I
found accumulated in the waste bag of my dirt devil vacuum
sucker!

*slap followed by a series of loud female shrieks*

Swedish Business Man - Oosh! Now why don't you stop
making those horrible fucking noises ya skanky old blubbery bitch,
and go get me and my new subordinate some coffee before I drop
your dead body off in a ditch!

*squishy-sounding punch followed by a female scream*

Swedish Business Man - Now then-- With that obnoxious slag
out of the way, what say you and I go to our first company meeting
together to start off this wonderful day?


[INTERMISSION #2]

*various ambient audience sounds*
*loud extended burp*

Shod - Aych-em-em, what do you mean I've got to switch the film
reels? ...Oh that's such horseshit! Nobody ever said anything about
that in rehearsal! You sir, you're just trying to make me look like a
total f*PFRRPP* in front of all these people! So, fuck you-you-you
-you-you-you-you!

*belch*
*sound of film projector starting up*


[ACT FIVE]

*sound of a door closing*

Graham - Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the board. As
your cherished commander in chief promised you all yesterday,
standing here before you is the man with a schlong that puts to
shame many a culinary gourd!

Senior Executive - As the senior executive of this lucrative
company I'm afraid I must protest, as I fail to see how
inaugurating a man with a four foot long dong will leave us in
anything but a semen-soaked fiscal mess.

Graham - Your many concerns are duly noted my dearest head
of financial directors, but I'm afraid we simply have no room to
accommodate worrywarts such as yourself on our newly formed
board of erectors!

*explosive gooey sounding blast followed by a woman
screaming in horror*


Peter - By Joe, this lumbering loined lunatic is just the sort of
go-getter we need! A ridiculously phallically endowed psychopath
to help spread our many soulless corporate seeds!

Graham - Then it is unanimously agreed upon, fellow top brass
and workmen alike! For by this time tomorrow, my super-soaking
schlong will have drenched the competition to the point of no longer
being able to visually perceive light!


[ACT SIX]

Shod - Six and a half months later...

Graham - Plentiful poontang to the left of me, seven digit
paychecks to the right, a towering pillar of unmitigated masculinity
pounding in the middle-- If I do say so myself, I do believe this is
what one from the ghettos would refer to as the undeniable shite!

*sound of knocking on door followed by said door being opened*

Peter - Sorry to intrude at such an untimely hour, but I'm afraid
I have some rather perturbing news which I can no longer stand
to sour.

Graham - Well then, spit it out why don't you-- You glorified
underarm pit taint! Lest off course you'd rather fancy a face-full
of all natural ballsack brewed projectile penile paint!

Peter - Alas, the secret which I am about to reveal to you is
indeed a deplorable one, but the time has come, and my dicky old
chum, I'm afraid you must finally learn the truth about your
godlike gifted sperm-spraying gun.

Graham - Aych-em-em...Now why does that voice sound so
sod-poppingly familiar?

*diabolical music begins to play*

Peter - I imagine it should-- You cock-crazed crackerjack! For it
was I who bestowed you with your cartoonishly oversized trouser
tearing pecker-pack! The Dingleberry Fairy was nothing more
than a ruse-- A diabolical disguise forged for nothing more than to
enthuse and amuse! And were it not for your monumental
meat-molded monstrosity, you would have garnered none of these
spoiled riches. Not your job, your shit-scared employees, or
especially the droves of your subservient bitches!

Graham - What utter hogwash, I do proclaim! The workers at
my company are all here at their own volition-- That is, unless of
course they want to be dragged kicking and screaming into a back
alley and phallically forced into a doggy-style position!

Peter - Oh, my poor deluded dicksciple-- You still don't get it, do
you? You didn't honestly think your wonking willy came with
absolutely no price? For my dearest Graying Hams, I'm afraid
I've come here today to claim your splooge-splurting soul as my
eternally tormentable prize!

*diabolical demonic sounding laughter*

Graham - Oh God, no! It can't be true! It just can't be!
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...


[ACT SEVEN]

*sounds of slapping and frenzied male screams*

Lucy - Darling, darling-- Wake the fuck up-- You're having yet
another terrifyingly vivid nightmare about forty inch dicks and
constantly having to repetitively rhyme for reasons unknown!

Graham - Oh sweet merciful mother of fart-flinging fuck-nuts!
It was all just a bad dream from ingesting eighty nine square kilos
of orangutan feces and pickled honey badger scrotum's before
going to bed last night! Thank heavens I'm back safe and sound in
my menial go-nowhere life with a tick tack penis and a horribly
dysfunctional and emotionally scarring relationship with a
manic-depressive schizoholic she-bitch whom constantly finds it
necessary to remind me of all my shortcomings in life and drives
me to guzzle windshield wiper fluid every night whilst smashing
old family photo albums over my balding head and unleashing a
typhoon of incoherent onomatopoeia's which sound more like
something a crazed water buffalo in heat would scream while
being mounted by a confused and geriatric hyena who suffers
from severe glaucoma and quickly learns just how unfair mother
nature truly is when said buffalo spins around and crushes him
underneath her distended vagina!

*audience laughs, applauds and cheers*


[POST-SHOW]

Shod - On behalf of the management and the performers in this
evening's play, I would like to thank all of you for attending
tonight's show here at the Gerald P. Philmore Institute for the
Mentally Unstable and Psychologically Buggered Up! I've also
been asked to remind you to please donate whatever you can
when exiting the auditorium and accosted by a machete wielding
lunatic in ragged clothing. It all goes towards a good cause, ladies
and gents...To help finance my sixteenth consecutive triple-brain
bypass surgery in the coming months. And on the topic of mental
illness, what better way to end tonight's aforementioned
presentation than the everyday comedic stylings of one Francisco
De La Ham Sandwich and his unfortunate accompanying family
and friends!


[STAND UP ROUTINE]

*audience applauds*

Francisco - Alright, cool cats-- Open up your fuckin' eardrums,
cause here comes another rip roaring ripper! Doo-whop-
skeedaddle-doo-whop! She had the body of a venus-- Bah-ding-
dong! Boy was I ever surprised when I found a fuckin' penis! And if
you enjoyed that little number, you're sure to tear your colostomy
bags to this next cheeky bit! It's a little tummy-tickling imitation I
like to do of my youngest, ballsack-less son! And it goes a bit like
this-- "Oh man-- Mommy and daddy cut my allowance in half,
dudes! Now I can't buy the latest Pokemon cards for us to rub our
hot, sticky dicks against! Crud!".

Cornelius - I may not have any hair on my balls yet, but at
least I'm not a total fucking f*FFBRRT* like you, who does all his
shopping at Beds and Linens and has a lifetime subscription to
Oprah's tablecloth of the month club!

David - Oh, now you leave your poor father out of this, Cornelius!
Really now, I didn't raise a darling little snipper like you to use
such horrible and hurtful words!

Francisco - Holy hot-dogging dick-nipples! Talk about a tough
bunch! I've seen more livelihood out of the mounted corpse of my
fifth separated wife!

Charlie Chapped Lips - I can't believe we RSVP'ed this over
the Freemason's Brickwall Brisket Banquet!

Vlad - Hey, Francisco, don't look now-- But there's a gaping
horses asshole sitting across the saloon! Oh wait-- I'm sorry--
That's your seventh-millionth ex-wife! *incoherent Slavic laughter*

Shod - Good night folks, and have a safe trip home.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

"Them Bitches Don't Know Shit About My Forty Inch Dick" - Complete and Ludicrously Extended Versions

Here we first have the original, non-sped-up 12 minute long version with an actual ending (so to speak) attached to it as opposed to the chopped up Youtube edit.

video

And here we have a ludicrously overly long and unedited recording of said play.

video

Saturday, July 4, 2009

"The Posh Mothershuckling Dangle Dongler Hour" Transcript

In response to numerous requests, here it is:
_______________________________________________________

*ACT ONE*

Mario - How very charitable of her majesty to summon us to a social
gathering of prepared foods and open-handed cordiality, regardless
of the immense difference in our societal statuses.

Luigi - I aspire that her royal highness prepared a plentiful amount
of authentic Italian noodles smothered in tomato paste and garnished
with onions and balls of concentrated hamburger meat!

Mario - My fellow portly companion-- Gaze yonder! It's a menacing
memorandum scribbled on a tattered and torn piece of chemically processed mulch. Harken to me ye nettlesome vexatious laborers of one's occluded sewage waste aqueducts! How much for the flipping Gidrovlicheskiy? Your beloved vegetative sovereignty has been liquidated in a forcible manner, and the aristocratic monarch you resolutely succor has been seized in a physical fashion! Her queenship is now a perennial bedfellow at one of my many
diabolical caravansary establishments! I encourage you to attempt to facilitate her rescue in a timely manner! We must ferret out and pinpoint the precise location of our venerated crowned head!

Luigi - And you must offer unto us your resolute and unwavering
assistance-- Even in the face of irreversible mutilation and
unspeakable tortures; which will no doubt befall you in even the
best of outcomes!

Mario - If you identify yourself in necessitation of textual
enlightenment, please differ your deliberations to the encased
circumscribed literature which may be perused at whatever pace
you deem comfortable!


*ACT TWO*

Mario - The incongruous timberage imbues tranquility and
placidity in its surroundings.

Luigi - Semblances are often hood-winkling when dastardly
deciduous rapscallions are entangled in such sordid shenanigans!

Mario - I shall now hop atop your tailpiece and help re-adjust
your contorted spinal column and various vertebrates via a series
of stomps, as that's what caring siblings do for one another in times
of need. Gaze to the heaven's, my dearest kins-person-- Apples for
a positively scrumptious Scandinavian strudel once we are back at
our cozy little completely non-homosexual cottage!

Luigi - My trousers tighten with anticipation of the flavorous
delights that await!

Princess - Will you two anal plundering shart shafters stop talking
about fruits and European pastries and help me the fuck down from
this tree already! I swear to fucking Christ almighty, I'm bringing
back the iron maiden and rack tomorrow morning!

Luigi - How old chumsworth are we to procure the befangled
she-devil with the circumvecular pollywobbler in a state of such
utter pandemonium?

Mario - Perhaps there exists a mechanismic protuberance in one of
the inner most lodgings. Give me a strapping bonk over the noggin
with a bloated fish carcass should such an occurrence arise!


*ACT THREE*

Mario - Well, ah-hoo ah-hoo-- It appears I have happened upon
the surging source of our electrostatic insufficiencies suffered as of
late! You are no doubt aware of the colloquial platitude uttered under
such occurrences; in that all crisping apparatuses parch leavened
dough to ones dialed in specifications!


*ACT FOUR*

Mario - That should resolve any potential structural anomalies,
and or faults within the buildings foundation.

Princess - You God damned dingleberries! Blaaaarg!

Mario - Oh, now where did that commanding concubine scuttle off
to this time?

Luigi - I am pointing over my shoulder...

Mario - A sensation of unmitigated trepidation rises up through my
greasy gizzards, as I must proclaim this dungeon is devoid of any sort
of phosphorescence!

Luigi - Did you recall to store a protrusion of illumination in your
one hundred percent virgin calf-skin carrying sack next to the itty
titty bitty saltine crackers and lovely slivers of imported eastern
European cheeses?

Mario - Verily, I did not, my perspicacious and foresighted brethren.
And to make matters even worse, the pre-prepared bite-sized salami
sandwiches and tooth-picked Havarti's have fallen out of their
designated cavities and made a grand old mess of things!

Luigi - Well now, perhaps a surreptitious archfiend from within the
dankest of grotto's will lend us his altruistic assistance....That is; if
we are able to proselytize him and procure coalition through means
of unspeakable medieval tortures!


*ACT FIVE*

N/A


*ACT SIX*

Mario - Perhaps if I strike a series of flamboyant
Village People-esque dance poses, the princess will float gently back
down to the ground completely unharmed!

Luigi - Oh, yes yes yaesh-- We all gotta go down to the YMCA!

Mario - That cloud to the farthest right of the screen reminds me
of the carival that always came to my home town as a young child
and the delightful caramelized corns they always served for some
queer reason.

Luigi - God damn you, Cornelius-- They never had a carnival
when I was growing up! All we had was an unwashed hobo in an
enormous dumpster bin slinging slime and garbage juice at us every
sod-popping Tuesday night!

Mario - Ooooooooooooooh-- Here comes another Indonesian tidal
wave-- Yaaaaaaaaaaaarg-- Fuck mothershuckling dangly dongler
kawkenschnyetlyschnyanks foooooooooooooo
neyegassbooooooooooooooo!


*ACT SEVEN*

Mario - Hey ya mutterfooking faygewt, get the fook off of me klood
before aye beet yer kawksooker orse half to daeylth vit me enormous
Sveydish deeck, ya fooking fooker! The day has been that of a
painfully prolonged and arduous one. Let us advance forth, my
equally ill-fated compatriot! So I says, "Eggs, bacon and cheese, ya
kawkshuckin'--". Whayre eez dat mooterfooking skangshoy beetch
faygewt already-- Me fooking spaghetti's are getting kold!

Luigi - Revelations! A conveniently placed gambling establishment!

Mario - Proceed with extreme caution, for when you compress a
calumniators capital, they have a tendency to respond with immediate
legal recourse!


*ACT EIGHT*

Mario - 'Two's a dozen but three's a pickle', motherfucker! Great job
cock-blocking me right as I'm about to make us both rich men!

Princess - I'm gonna draw and quarter you fucking dipshits!

Luigi - I'm beginning to seriously ponder in great depth if rescuing
her majesty is in either of our best interests anymore at this juncture.

Mario - Oooooooooooh-- Cumulus clouds get me so fucking
randy-- Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee yaaaaaargleblaaaaarg-- Uncooked
crustaceans and xeroxing paper-- Holy fuck I'm gonna come--
Oooooooooooh-- No wait, it's just a false alarm-- Oopsie doodles!
Well, I'm sodding enervated regardless, and my doctor always told
me after a good wank and orgasm spasm, it's vitally important to
take a short nappy poo followed by a cup of tea and some warm
biscuits!

Luigi - My brother; always taking the term 'wanker' to a whole
new level!

Mario - Ooosh, what da fook are ya tryin' to say, ya big
kawksookin' faygewt fook-- Whee don't ey ya go poot on yer tank
top and schortch schwuartchz and steek aur tennis racket up yer
assholay, ya fooking freakin' faygewt!


*ACT NINE*

Princess - Blaarg, finally some fresh fucking air! Do either of
you cock-clobbering jackaninnies realize just how fucking long I've
been held captive here?! Seven God damned years, you couple of all
Italian American pork-swashbuckling fuck-knobs! And that
motherfucking castle reeked like old Yagermeister liquor bottles
and Richard Simmons workout tapes! But hey, I do suppose you both
deserve some sort of reward for encumbering such a long and
treacherous journey, so what say the two of you join me behind that
tree off to the right to enjoy a positively splendid and hard earned
picnic, with some delightful chamomile tea and hot buttered biscuits!

Mario - We sure as shit better be gettin' a pit-job while we're at it!
Holy fuck, I'm gonna come--!


*CREDITS*

Luigi - Shuck those fuckin' shucks, for fucks shakes-- Why should I
honestly give two fucks about what those shuckheads shucking think
about the way I conduct my shucking business for shucking out
shucking loud!

Mario - I heard that, bra-- Dem ******'s on liberty hill be just
gawkin' down with their golden grills and bling blong aplenty,
laughing at how the ping pong tables have turned!
♫Ooooooooooooooh, faux vinyl interiors of semi-affordable four
door sedans-- Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-- Hargh-hah-oooooooooh--
Fuckin' tittily winks, enough room in the back for the whole family
and kitchen sink--Yaaaaaaaarlblafaaaaaar-- Peas and baby sweet
corns with my garlic mashed potatoes-- Oooooooooooh-- Another
chicken bone down the garbage disposal-- God damn it all; mentally
incapacitated brothers in law with grapefruit utensils in hand--
A big old bushy beard is what I want later in life-- Aged just like a
fine wine after some time being subjected to many a crime--
Yo, yo, yo-- I got fifty five bunions on one toe alone-- The doctor's
declare me a medical anomaly-- I'm not sure how I managed it, but
somehow I swallowed a full golf club set in my sleep-- Perhaps it's
time to stop taking nappy poo's amidst sand pits!♫
_________________________________________________________

And now, my joints are crippled for life.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

READY THE BATTERY OF PROLAPSED RECTUMS

video
In other news, scientists in Norway have just discovered quite possibly the most abrasive sound audible to human ears.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

Verbal Vexings of the Third Kind

Because a voice acting outtakes reel is just the sheer epitome of knee slapping hilarity, am I right or am I a baloney spewing Klondike bar from beyond Jupiter?

An Auditory Representation of a Transient Ischemia

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

WHERE ARE OUR TEQUILAS ALREADY

Here be a few sketcherooskis from an animated cartoony picture I am currently in the process of making:

Monday, February 2, 2009

GOD DAMN IT BETTY

WHAT PART OF I'M COMPLETELY BROKE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I'VE DONE GOOD THINGS THIS YEAR



However, the question still remains-- Has your husband been paying his bills?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Name's "Lack of Inspiration"

ALRIGHT, SO I MADE A MISTAKE-- ONE MISTAKE.

Can't a man start over...?

DOES HE HAVE TO KEEP ON PAYING!?

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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Legacy of Captain A. Meter

I'M HERE TO RESCUE YOU (violently throws his baseball cap to the ground)

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So I Bought a Discounted Hannah Montana Wig at Walmart


Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Why Must Everything I Abuse and Mistreat Betray Me?


So my barely one year old Western Digital Raptor drive decided to bite the dust just late last week. Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING that I was currently working on was stored solely on that drive (I own an external backup hard drive, though I moronically filled it up with movies and music files a long time ago; thus making it impossible for me to back up any of my truly important and irreplaceable files). So, needless to say, I was pretty devastated and mortified when this occurred completely out of the blue (and ironically one hour before I was going to go out and buy another drive to back it up), and the prospect of having the drive professionally repaired and/or recovered was completely out of the question (sorry, but my information, as personally valuable as it is, just isn't worth $1,300). As a result, I tried something pretty outlandish and downright desperate to get my data back; I stuck the drive inside of my freezer and let it sit in there for 24 hours straight (as I assumed the crash was due to a mechanical failure, and the ice cold temperatures would help the parts inside contract and perhaps allow it to operate properly again). The next day, I quickly removed the drive (which was covered in a thin but impenetrable layer of frost) and plugged it back into my computer. At first it sounded like a malfunctioning coffee grinder, but after about fifteen minutes of praying like hell that it would work, it suddenly spun up and booted into windows. Immediately I copy and pasted all of my most important files onto my external backup; in the meanwhile, the drive heated up so quickly that all of the ice had melted and left a huge puddle on the floor (I suppose I should count myself lucky that it didn't wind up short circuiting or something-- or hell, lighting on fire for that matter). As soon as the last file had finished copying, the drive finally decided that it had had enough and crapped out again. So yeah, a happy ending, right? Well, I suppose so. But one thing still perplexes me...

THE DAMNED THING WAS BARELY A YEAR OLD-- How in God's name does a drive burn itself out in such a short period of time? Hell, I've still got a nine year old Seagate drive in another computer that runs like clockwork!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Fall of Rudolpherous Maxamillious Kaizerstrudel

Bein' a 10 year old tribal warlord just ain't as easy as it used to be (especially when you've got dissenting 69 year old women with a lust for young blood).

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I Do It For The Fans

In other news, I'm completely naked and goosepimply as I type this (hypothermia, yo).

Some Digestible Matter for Thought

Gefilte fish, anyone?

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Monday, September 15, 2008

TERIYAKI CHICKEN DINNERS


Eating snot-jewels and peeling potatoes (as usual).

A Grisly Spectacle

Couldn't you hear them? DIDN'T YA SEE THE CROWDS?
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MERRY CHRISTMAS JESUS CHRIST

Nervous laughter can be heard in the background.

HELLO THERE, LADIES AND GERMS


I'm gonna set a record and suck off three deceased Jewish actors penises simultaneously.

Thursday, September 11, 2008