Wednesday, November 4, 2009

"Them Bitches Don't Know Shit About My Forty Inch Dick" - Complete and Ludicrously Extended Versions

Here we first have the original, non-sped-up 12 minute long version with an actual ending (so to speak) attached to it as opposed to the chopped up Youtube edit.



And here we have a ludicrously overly long and unedited recording of said play.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

"The Posh Mothershuckling Dangle Dongler Hour" Transcript

In response to numerous requests, here it is:
_______________________________________________________

*ACT ONE*

Mario - How very charitable of her majesty to summon us to a social
gathering of prepared foods and open-handed cordiality, regardless
of the immense difference in our societal statuses.

Luigi - I aspire that her royal highness prepared a plentiful amount
of authentic Italian noodles smothered in tomato paste and garnished
with onions and balls of concentrated hamburger meat!

Mario - My fellow portly companion-- Gaze yonder! It's a menacing
memorandum scribbled on a tattered and torn piece of chemically processed mulch. Harken to me ye nettlesome vexatious laborers of one's occluded sewage waste aqueducts! How much for the flipping Gidrovlicheskiy? Your beloved vegetative sovereignty has been liquidated in a forcible manner, and the aristocratic monarch you resolutely succor has been seized in a physical fashion! Her queenship is now a perennial bedfellow at one of my many
diabolical caravansary establishments! I encourage you to attempt to facilitate her rescue in a timely manner! We must ferret out and pinpoint the precise location of our venerated crowned head!

Luigi - And you must offer unto us your resolute and unwavering
assistance-- Even in the face of irreversible mutilation and
unspeakable tortures; which will no doubt befall you in even the
best of outcomes!

Mario - If you identify yourself in necessitation of textual
enlightenment, please differ your deliberations to the encased
circumscribed literature which may be perused at whatever pace
you deem comfortable!


*ACT TWO*

Mario - The incongruous timberage imbues tranquility and
placidity in its surroundings.

Luigi - Semblances are often hood-winkling when dastardly
deciduous rapscallions are entangled in such sordid shenanigans!

Mario - I shall now hop atop your tailpiece and help re-adjust
your contorted spinal column and various vertebrates via a series
of stomps, as that's what caring siblings do for one another in times
of need. Gaze to the heaven's, my dearest kins-person-- Apples for
a positively scrumptious Scandinavian strudel once we are back at
our cozy little completely non-homosexual cottage!

Luigi - My trousers tighten with anticipation of the flavorous
delights that await!

Princess - Will you two anal plundering shart shafters stop talking
about fruits and European pastries and help me the fuck down from
this tree already! I swear to fucking Christ almighty, I'm bringing
back the iron maiden and rack tomorrow morning!

Luigi - How old chumsworth are we to procure the befangled
she-devil with the circumvecular pollywobbler in a state of such
utter pandemonium?

Mario - Perhaps there exists a mechanismic protuberance in one of
the inner most lodgings. Give me a strapping bonk over the noggin
with a bloated fish carcass should such an occurrence arise!


*ACT THREE*

Mario - Well, ah-hoo ah-hoo-- It appears I have happened upon
the surging source of our electrostatic insufficiencies suffered as of
late! You are no doubt aware of the colloquial platitude uttered under
such occurrences; in that all crisping apparatuses parch leavened
dough to ones dialed in specifications!


*ACT FOUR*

Mario - That should resolve any potential structural anomalies,
and or faults within the buildings foundation.

Princess - You God damned dingleberries! Blaaaarg!

Mario - Oh, now where did that commanding concubine scuttle off
to this time?

Luigi - I am pointing over my shoulder...

Mario - A sensation of unmitigated trepidation rises up through my
greasy gizzards, as I must proclaim this dungeon is devoid of any sort
of phosphorescence!

Luigi - Did you recall to store a protrusion of illumination in your
one hundred percent virgin calf-skin carrying sack next to the itty
titty bitty saltine crackers and lovely slivers of imported eastern
European cheeses?

Mario - Verily, I did not, my perspicacious and foresighted brethren.
And to make matters even worse, the pre-prepared bite-sized salami
sandwiches and tooth-picked Havarti's have fallen out of their
designated cavities and made a grand old mess of things!

Luigi - Well now, perhaps a surreptitious archfiend from within the
dankest of grotto's will lend us his altruistic assistance....That is; if
we are able to proselytize him and procure coalition through means
of unspeakable medieval tortures!


*ACT FIVE*

N/A


*ACT SIX*

Mario - Perhaps if I strike a series of flamboyant
Village People-esque dance poses, the princess will float gently back
down to the ground completely unharmed!

Luigi - Oh, yes yes yaesh-- We all gotta go down to the YMCA!

Mario - That cloud to the farthest right of the screen reminds me
of the carival that always came to my home town as a young child
and the delightful caramelized corns they always served for some
queer reason.

Luigi - God damn you, Cornelius-- They never had a carnival
when I was growing up! All we had was an unwashed hobo in an
enormous dumpster bin slinging slime and garbage juice at us every
sod-popping Tuesday night!

Mario - Ooooooooooooooh-- Here comes another Indonesian tidal
wave-- Yaaaaaaaaaaaarg-- Fuck mothershuckling dangly dongler
kawkenschnyetlyschnyanks foooooooooooooo
neyegassbooooooooooooooo!


*ACT SEVEN*

Mario - Hey ya mutterfooking faygewt, get the fook off of me klood
before aye beet yer kawksooker orse half to daeylth vit me enormous
Sveydish deeck, ya fooking fooker! The day has been that of a
painfully prolonged and arduous one. Let us advance forth, my
equally ill-fated compatriot! So I says, "Eggs, bacon and cheese, ya
kawkshuckin'--". Whayre eez dat mooterfooking skangshoy beetch
faygewt already-- Me fooking spaghetti's are getting kold!

Luigi - Revelations! A conveniently placed gambling establishment!

Mario - Proceed with extreme caution, for when you compress a
calumniators capital, they have a tendency to respond with immediate
legal recourse!


*ACT EIGHT*

Mario - 'Two's a dozen but three's a pickle', motherfucker! Great job
cock-blocking me right as I'm about to make us both rich men!

Princess - I'm gonna draw and quarter you fucking dipshits!

Luigi - I'm beginning to seriously ponder in great depth if rescuing
her majesty is in either of our best interests anymore at this juncture.

Mario - Oooooooooooh-- Cumulus clouds get me so fucking
randy-- Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee yaaaaaargleblaaaaarg-- Uncooked
crustaceans and xeroxing paper-- Holy fuck I'm gonna come--
Oooooooooooh-- No wait, it's just a false alarm-- Oopsie doodles!
Well, I'm sodding enervated regardless, and my doctor always told
me after a good wank and orgasm spasm, it's vitally important to
take a short nappy poo followed by a cup of tea and some warm
biscuits!

Luigi - My brother; always taking the term 'wanker' to a whole
new level!

Mario - Ooosh, what da fook are ya tryin' to say, ya big
kawksookin' faygewt fook-- Whee don't ey ya go poot on yer tank
top and schortch schwuartchz and steek aur tennis racket up yer
assholay, ya fooking freakin' faygewt!


*ACT NINE*

Princess - Blaarg, finally some fresh fucking air! Do either of
you cock-clobbering jackaninnies realize just how fucking long I've
been held captive here?! Seven God damned years, you couple of all
Italian American pork-swashbuckling fuck-knobs! And that
motherfucking castle reeked like old Yagermeister liquor bottles
and Richard Simmons workout tapes! But hey, I do suppose you both
deserve some sort of reward for encumbering such a long and
treacherous journey, so what say the two of you join me behind that
tree off to the right to enjoy a positively splendid and hard earned
picnic, with some delightful chamomile tea and hot buttered biscuits!

Mario - We sure as shit better be gettin' a pit-job while we're at it!
Holy fuck, I'm gonna come--!


*CREDITS*

Luigi - Shuck those fuckin' shucks, for fucks shakes-- Why should I
honestly give two fucks about what those shuckheads shucking think
about the way I conduct my shucking business for shucking out
shucking loud!

Mario - I heard that, bra-- Dem ******'s on liberty hill be just
gawkin' down with their golden grills and bling blong aplenty,
laughing at how the ping pong tables have turned!
♫Ooooooooooooooh, faux vinyl interiors of semi-affordable four
door sedans-- Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-- Hargh-hah-oooooooooh--
Fuckin' tittily winks, enough room in the back for the whole family
and kitchen sink--Yaaaaaaaarlblafaaaaaar-- Peas and baby sweet
corns with my garlic mashed potatoes-- Oooooooooooh-- Another
chicken bone down the garbage disposal-- God damn it all; mentally
incapacitated brothers in law with grapefruit utensils in hand--
A big old bushy beard is what I want later in life-- Aged just like a
fine wine after some time being subjected to many a crime--
Yo, yo, yo-- I got fifty five bunions on one toe alone-- The doctor's
declare me a medical anomaly-- I'm not sure how I managed it, but
somehow I swallowed a full golf club set in my sleep-- Perhaps it's
time to stop taking nappy poo's amidst sand pits!♫
_________________________________________________________

And now, my joints are crippled for life.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

READY THE BATTERY OF PROLAPSED RECTUMS


In other news, scientists in Norway have just discovered quite possibly the most abrasive sound audible to human ears.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

Verbal Vexings of the Third Kind

Because a voice acting outtakes reel is just the sheer epitome of knee slapping hilarity, am I right or am I a baloney spewing Klondike bar from beyond Jupiter?

An Auditory Representation of a Transient Ischemia

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

WHERE ARE OUR TEQUILAS ALREADY

Here be a few sketcherooskis from an animated cartoony picture I am currently in the process of making:

Monday, February 2, 2009

GOD DAMN IT BETTY

WHAT PART OF I'M COMPLETELY BROKE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND